This week's Bible Study - May 25, 2008
Unlocking Your Best Relationships: - Be Ready to Forgive
 Background Scripture:
Ephesians 4:22-32, Philemon 8-18
Quote of the Week:
Button in a tourist shop: to err is human, to forgive is out of the question.
-- Source Unknown
This is the final in a series of lessons about relationships. In the past few weeks, we've learned about the importance of letting others know how much we appreciate them. Have you recently let anyone know the things that you appreciate about them? We've learned about the value of communication. Are you keeping lines of communication open with those with others, or have you shut off, intentionally or not, the lines of communication? We've learned about the importance of being trustworthy. We saw how important it is to be involved in the lives of others, to help them through difficult times. There is certainly a difference between being friendly and being a friend. Many people are very friendly, yet they have very few deep relationships.
This lesson at least partially speaks of an issue that many people have a very difficult time dealing with - forgiveness. Chances are, somebody has done something to wrong you in the past. It may have been recent, or many years ago. In some cases, this wrong may have severed a relationship. Forgiveness or the lack thereof, is one of the biggest issues that many deal with. Many times, I've seen people who have left their lives be governed by a lack of forgiveness towards other people. It seems that they think of what happened to them every day, and it impacts the quality of their lives. Often, the 'perpetrator' gets past it and moves on with life. So, the lack of forgiveness may actually have a larger impact on those holding on to it, rather than those who are guilty.
We all know people that find they are continually dealing with what may have happened to them in years past. In no way am I trying to minimize the impact of what some people have faced, but I believe that God wants us to be able to find a way to forgive others and move on. Truthfully, there are things that all of us will have to face that are beyond our human element to forgive. This is where we allow Christ to live in us and allow us to move forward.
You may not have had an extremely bad thing happen to you in the past, but we all go through life and deal with disappointments from time to time. It may not be in your deepest relationships, but it is easy to get upset with others at work, or in our neighborhoods or elsewhere. There really is nothing we can do to stem the tide of disappointment that may come our way, but we can change the way that we deal with it. If we can learn to forgive and move on, we will be able to shake off some of the chains that bind us in life. It doesn't solve the problems and there may still be consequences that we must deal with, but it can allow us to more easily move on.
Paul wrote more books in the Bible than any other human author. Of course, the entire Bible is inspired by God, so the true author of every book is the same. Paul reached a larger portion of the world that was known at the time than any other missionary has reached. He truly had the desire to share the love of Christ with Jews and Gentiles, and he spent a lot of time with discipleship. Today, churches tend to go one way or the other. They are either what has been termed 'seeker' churches, where they are sharing the gospel (evangelism) with many people in a non combative way. However, this is also true of many other churches as well - with a clear presentation of the gospel, week after week. There are other churches that are very focused on discipleship. They may have several classes that are encouraged to help believers to grow in their faith and to align their lives more closely with the Word of God. Both evangelism and discipleship are important, and Paul made that apparent in his ministry.
As Paul wrote to the Ephesians, he reminded them that they were taught to continually be taking off the old self, and putting on the new self. When we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we become changed people, but there is still the aspect of our human behaviors and tendencies that we must learn to change. You don't fully exchange one wardrobe with a new one. If you can imagine a tremendous walk-in closet, with all types of clothes - think of the choice that you make each day. Maybe this is more of a 'man' thing, but I think we men tend to hold onto a small subset of our clothes that we would be content to wear day after day, without touching a lot of the other clothes. In this lame analogy, you can imagine the old, familiar clothes as being the 'old self' and the new clothes as the 'new self'. Each day, you make a choice. Each day, and probably more often, we choose to align with God or with the world. Do we default to familiar?
What did Paul say about the old self? He said that it is being corrupted by its deceitful desires. Have you ever just let yourself follow your own passions? If so, where did that get you? Truthfully, most passions seem to have some reward (at the time), but they can be very detrimental. It would be much easier if anytime we followed the leaning of our old self, we got hit with a big stick. Then, perhaps our choices would be much easier. We don't realize at the time that we are being corrupted by deceitful desires, but we can all look back and see how true that is.
Paul said that we need to be made new in the attitude of our minds. It starts there - in our thinking. Actually, whether we follow God or the world, it all starts in our thoughts. We need to resolve to follow God's will, rather than our own. When we do this, we can put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. We need to understand that it isn't about saying the right words or performing some sort of spiritual incantation, but resolving in our minds to be righteous and holy. Church attendance won't do it, nor will any other ritual. It's in the mind (your mind) - a resolution to follow what God has called us to do.
Once we have resolved within our minds to follow God, we must then begin to make some tangible changes in our lives. The resolution we made in our minds is not enough if we are not intent on following up with how we live our lives. Paul gives a list of things that are very tangible and true for godly living. First, we must put off falsehood and speak truthfully with our neighbors, especially within the context of the body of believers. Sometimes, speaking the truth is difficult. Speaking the truth without regard for context can cause more problems - sometimes we just need to be quiet. I've heard it said that it's okay to lie, when appropriate. The problem is how you define appropriate - because we know that we are to be truthful people in all we say.
Next, Paul talked about anger. The passage says 'in your anger', which implies that we will have anger. Anger in and of itself is not bad. There are things that happen that should make us angry - but our reaction to those things is critical to how that anger impacts us. 'In your anger, do not sin'. There are inappropriate reactions to anger - especially if we try to handle the problem in anger. If you are a parent, you know that children can make you angry at times. I'd give a list, but as a parent, you already have a list of your own. What happens if you deal with your children in your anger, as opposed to taking a few steps back, counting to 10 or 100 or 1,000,000 and calming down? You know you could cause the problem to escalate, easily. We are told to not let the sun go down while we are angry, and to not give the devil a foothold. Some take this verse very literally and believe that they have to resolve every problem before they sleep. Some problems take days, weeks, months or years to fix. How tired would you be after that? I think the point is that we are not to allow the anger to overtake us. When you keep your focus on that anger, it creates attitudes and words like 'seething' - which doesn't even sound good. Be angry, yes - but take a few steps back and allow that anger to subside before you try to deal with the problems. Otherwise, you will regret.
Paul talked about the value of work. Apparently, there were thieves in the congregation. I don't believe he was talking about professional crooks, but those who were not legitimate in doing what they were paid to do. And, others who refused to work so that others would take care of them. Rather than allowing someone else to continue to take care of us, or stealing to take care of ourselves, we need to do something useful with our own hands. This allows us to provide for ourselves and to have something to help others in need.
We need to be aware of the words that come out of our mouths. Even in the past few days, I've heard what some well meaning people have said to others, prior to thinking of what they are saying. I can also recall many things that I have said that were inappropriate and certainly not helpful to others. When those words come of our mouths, there really is nothing that we can do to take them back. One of my favorite comedians is Brian Regan. He talks about the question that you should never, ever, never, ever ask someone. He said he saw a woman he hadn't seen in some time and asked ' when is the baby due?' When her response was 'what baby?', he realized he was in trouble. No way to take those words back - and covering it up as if he was talking about when the pandas at the zoo were going to have a baby - weak.
We need to make sure that the words that we use are helping for building up others according to their needs, so that the words would benefit, as oppose to destroy. Simply to say 'but, it's true' - isn't very beneficial. Our words, however true, can cause damage. You may have heard the expression about the elephant in the room that is avoided in conversation. Sometimes, there are big issues that we do need to address. But, there is a big difference between an elephant in the room and tossing a hand grenade in the room. We've all heard it - stick and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me. Wrong. One of the most damaging things we can do to others is through words. And, some people know this and use it to their advantage. As believers, let us be intent on building one another up, rather than tearing each other down.
Paul wrote that we should not grieve the Holy Spirit of God. These are just a few words, but they are very powerful. As believers, the Holy Spirit lives in us. When our lives are out of alignment with God's word, we grieve the Holy Spirit. What does this say if we don't know what God's word says? If you are a software developer, you will spend the time it takes to learn how to write code in whatever language. If you are an attorney, you will spend many, many hours studying law a so that you can understand the applicability and precedent of law. If you are a mechanic, you'll read up on all of the advances in engines, so that you can maintain them. If you are a cardiac nurse, you'll read up on everything you need to understand how the heart works. The point is that we will spend whatever time it takes to do our jobs or to follow our pursuits. But, the kicker is that most of us will not spend any significant time studying God's word - which is truly our life. How much are we missing?
There is also a list of things to get rid of. These are things that most people don't want to have - although it still is part of the lives of many people. There is bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander and every form of malice. Honestly, I can't think of anything in that list that makes me say 'wow, I'd like to do that today!'. The bitter people don't intend to be bitter, do they? Maybe these are all forms of wrong coping mechanisms.
Verse 32 says that we should be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave us. We know that it is good to be kind to others - in fact, just being kind really helps you to make friends. People are attracted to kind people. Compassion is a little more difficult to handle. And, unfortunately, it is within the church where compassion is sometimes hard to find. There is the persona of the church member that everything is fine in life - no problems here. No problems with relationships, addictions, finances, sin of any type. Sorry, but as I've gotten older, I've seen that we all deal with something - on a frequent basis. It may not be directly tied to sin, but a lot of people are hurting, for whatever reason. The church is not the club for the perfect people, without any problems. The church is the hospital for people with problems, people who hurt. If the church has no compassion, why would any of these people want to come back? Compassion implies that we are concerned for what others are going through - even if it didn't impact us directly.
Forgiveness, however, implies that we have been hurt. It may be a small thing or a large thing. In churches, I've found that often people are hurt by something that someone else didn't even realize they did. Two families in my church were at odds for years regarding an incident about a saved seat in a church service. Truthfully, I don't think either of them understood what the other was asking when it happened, but it impacted things for these families. They didn't feud like the Hatfields and McCoys, but still big for them. There are other things that may be more direct. You may be thinking, well, you just don't know what happened or understand how bad it was. This may be true, but look at how the verse ends. Forgive…. Just as in Christ God forgave us. Wow, So, what was it that you can't forgive? How does that compare to the forgiveness that God has given you - for the times that you've failed him? If we are to forgive as in Christ God forgave us - I'm not sure I see what goes beyond our requirement to forgive. This is hard for many people, but this is something we are called to do. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship is restored, but a lack of forgiveness will ensure that a relationship will never be what it could be and it will severely impact your life.
Paul wrote the short book of Philemon to a man who had been a fellow worker in the cause of Christ. As I have reread the first few verses of every book that Paul wrote, I am deeply touched by how concerned he was for each of the churches and people he wrote to. His love for them was great and his prayers were full of their needs. We can't all be missionaries to other parts of the world, but each of us can lift others in prayer and show genuine concern. Are we? Paul wrote to Philemon out of a position of authority - he should have been able to tell Philemon to do whatever. However, he didn't lord this authority over them. There are times for leaders to speak with authority, but Paul appealed to Philemon on the basis of love.
Paul was in prison as he wrote many of the books he wrote, which probably kept some of the people from thinking that Paul was into his work for person gain. As a servant of Christ, he had offered his very life for the cause. As a prisoner, Paul became acquainted with a man named Onesimus, who was formerly a slave of Philemon. At some point, Onesimus had done some wrong against Philemon, and had fled to escape punishment for a theft he had committed. In the meantime, Onesimus heard Paul speak of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and he became a changed man, offering to help Paul in any manner and became very useful to Paul.
It is interesting to think of different people's perspectives about people. Philemon saw Onesimus as part of the help, as some type of slave. And, he saw Onesimus as a slave who had stolen and fled. He had some value, but only as much as a slave would have. Paul saw Onesimus as a dear friend and brother, and one who had provided much help and value to him. This same man was seen by two different people in two different ways. How true that is today. Some people will look at an individual and not see their value to anybody. Others may look to that same person and see a totally different picture. It is helpful for us to know of the value of all people, so that we don't begin to think of everything from just what we see. If you only work with a person, you don't really know how important they may be as a father or a mother or a spouse or child or any other role that they may play in life.
As Paul was preparing to send Onesimus back to Philemon, he again expressed how much help Onesimus had been in his own life. As Onesimus had served Paul, they grew very close. This is something that we can all take into our lives today - when we serve others with a gracious heart, we will become closer to them - both within our churches, as well as our jobs and our relationships. Paul would have preferred to continue to have Onesimus as a friend and helper, but he needed to get things right with Philemon. Perhaps Philemon viewed Onesimus as property, and not as a person. However, following his time with Paul, he was being sent back and the request to Philemon was to accept him as a dear brother, rather than as a slave. Paul wanted Onesimus to be restored to the place that he should have been. He wasn't sending him back in the hope that he would be restored as a slave, but rather as the person that God intended him to be. Paul wanted Philemon to know that the transformation of Onesimus had not only benefited himself, but that is should benefit Philemon.
Paul appealed to Philemon that Onesimus be accepted as Paul would have been. Certainly, we give a different audience to some people over others - sometimes out of respect and sometimes out of awe. Whenever a celebrity shows up at a school, people treat them differently. Paul wanted Philemon to see that Onesimus deserved that kind of treatment, and that past wrongs should be forgiven. Paul even volunteered to take care of any former damage that may have been done. Although Paul was using his own status to help Onesimus along, the real point of Paul's words to Philemon was that Onesimus would also be useful to him, so that he should accept him.
Closing
Each day, we need to put on the new self. It all starts in your mind - it's all part of your attitude and thinking. Have you ever thought about where things would end up if what you thought about came to happen?
Along with forgiveness, there are plenty of things that we can do to help our relationships. It is great to learn what they are, but we must learn to apply them to our lives. Things come up in life where we find that our relationships are very important. We need to know what to do to keep relationships and then follow through.
Each of us needs to learn how to forgive. Nobody goes through life without some level of disappointment in another person. If we get hung up on the disappointments, we are only hurting ourselves. And, we all have disappointed ourselves. For some people, forgiving others is not as hard as forgiving themselves. None of us can change anything that happened yesterday, but we do have some level of control over what happens tomorrow. Let forgiveness be common in your life and let your relationships become something that adds value to your life.
|