This week's Bible Study - May 11, 2008
Unlocking Your Best Relationships: Communicate
 Background Scripture:
Deuteronomy 6:4-9; 2 Samuel 14:23-24,28-33; Proverbs 4:3-6
Quote of the Week:
“My wife isn’t talking to me.” “Maybe she’s trying to tell you something.”
Source Unknown
This series of lessons regards relationships. We all have many relationships with other people. There are close relationships with families and really good friends. There are neighbors we may speak to when we see them. There are co-workers that we may spend a lot of time with at work, but little outside of work. There are brothers and sisters in our churches who we may know from our churches. There are the people who just look familiar and nod at us as we walk past - at the grocery store or on a walk or anywhere else. Each of these relationships is at varying levels.
Some of these relationships are ones we will have our entire lives, at least at some level. Other relationships are more transient - each of us can think of people that we used to know well, but over time, it has dropped off. Often, college friends fall into this category, as we used to spend an inordinate amount of time with them, but after college, it drops.
Why are some relationships deeper, while other relationships seem to be at odds? What makes a relationship stick? In our last lesson, we learned about the need to show appreciation in a relationship. It's not enough to just say we appreciate somebody, but it adds much more to give them some specific reasons why we appreciate them. Paul gave us excellent examples of how we appreciated what people did in his life. Do we do the same?
This lesson will speak to communication. How important is communication in your relationships? Obviously, if there is no communication, relationships, however strong, just begin to crumble. And, it is very difficult to begin relationship if communication does not take place. Sometimes, it involves us having to do something that may be very uncomfortable. Some people just are not very communicative. They may have a lot of thoughts inside their head, but they are very reluctant to share with others - and this often results in very weak relationships. It can sap the life out of a marriage relationship, or any other close relationship. As Christians, if we don't spend the time communicating with God, it will impact that relationship.
Moses wrote to the Israelites that they needed to continually remind themselves of the priority that God requires in their lives. He said that they needed to hear that the Lord (our) God is one. First, they needed to realize that God was not just some god that they could choose from, but God was their God - and the only true God. In our culture today, there is a potpourri of spiritual options out there - many people choose many different avenues, but regardless of what people choose, it still is true for Christians that the Lord is still OUR God.
Moses reminded the Israelites to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. They needed to put everything that they had into the relationship with God. I've played a lot of sports over my lifetime, and I've heard many a coach tell his team that they were to leave it all on the floor. The point was that you don't want to end the game thinking that you could have done more. Give it all you have, so that when you're done, you know you gave it your best. Now that I'm several years older, I don't quite hold to that philosophy in sports. I try and play basketball two or three times a week, and if I left it all on the court, I may literally leave it all on the court. So, there is a balance between being competitive and spending it all on an athletic pursuit. However, this is not how our Christian life is to be. We are to 'leave it all on the court' in our relationship with God. Our lives go through hills and valleys - we encounter many difficult things - sometimes it is the loss of a loved one, or diseases or job losses or financial difficulties or relationship problems or even consequences due to our own sin. Sometimes, you may find it difficult to fully give yourself to God, but in the end, God is the only one who is there with you through it all. Family members and friends and co workers may be there for a time, but who is with you from your early years to your old age? Due to events of life, all other relationships are somewhat transient in nature. Only God is the same throughout. It may seem risky, but you can give it all to God.
Moses told the people that it was important that they understood and followed the commandments that he gave them. It was to be impressed upon them hearts and shared with their children. They were to talk about them at home and when they walked along the road and when they lied down and when they got up. They went to the point of tying boxes of scripture verses on their hands and to their foreheads. They wrote them on the doorframes of their houses. In short, they were to make it so that they wouldn't forget them and these commandments were to become part of their existence. Granted, they took it too far over time and these commandments became their lives. Not just the ones that God commanded, but the other ones that were part of what we call in my business "requirements creep". It's hard to fault the Israelites - they tried and they tried hard. They didn't fully understand God (do we?) so they did what they thought they needed to do and they did it as much as they could. They truly wanted that relationship with God, and Moses told them to make that their life.
How different is that from our lives? As I see it, most of us are very casual about our relationship with God. We may go to church each week and even spend time in prayer and Bible Study. But, if all of that is disconnected from the rest of our life, what are we missing? Sheer time alone pales in comparison. How many hours do you work a week - compared to the amount of time with God? How much TV do you watch - or how much time do you spend eating compared to the time with God? Before we start thinking that it is about time you set aside for God alone, we need to realize that it is truly that we need to be including God in all that we do. In the aspect of our relationships, which of your relationships include God? Could that be one key?
In 2 Samuel 14, you can read of a plan the Joab, King David's chief general, had to help restore the relationship between the David and his son Absalom. There had been many problems between David and Absalom, so Absalom moved to another country. Joab knew that it would be a bad thing for Absalom to be stewing away in another country and believed it would be best to bring Joab back to Israel so that reconciliation might take place. I think that Joab was really looking out for King David's interest, because he knew that if Absalom did not come back peacefully, he may one day seek to overthrow the king.
David was not anxious to have Absalom back, but through a series of events with the woman of Tekoa, in earlier verses of 2 Samuel 14, David was convicted that he needed to let Absalom return. Joab went to bring Absalom back to Jerusalem. Again, Joab was likely trying to promote reconciliation, rather than rebellion. When Joab brought Absalom back, David didn't want to see him. In some commentaries I've read, there was the point of David being over indulgent with his sons in the past and he was probably too lenient (resulting in some bad things). Now, David tends to over compensate to show toughness. David sounds like many parents today - rather than showing consistency, we often have our kids guessing what we're thinking.
After a couple of years without seeing David, Absalom decided to try and force a meeting with the king. You can imagine that Absalom was starting to become bitter. David had allowed a partial reconciliation, but far from complete. When we have relationship problems with those close to us, it eats at us. To have partial reconciliation often is even harder to handle. Absalom sent for Joab twice, but Joab refused to come to see him. It is strange that Joab worked so hard to get him back, but he didn't seem any more concerned about establishing that relationship than King David.
In an effort to get Joab's attention, he had his servants set Joab's barley field on fire. Obviously this got his attention, but probably was not the best way. Some have contrasted this story to the Prodigal Son, but it isn't very close. The prodigal son came back repentant and willing to be a slave. The father accepted him as a son and brought him back in to his household. In this story, Absalom came back embittered and it only grew worse. Additionally, David did not show open arms acceptance. In fact, he didn't say anything to his son.
Well, the barley field on fire got Joab's attention. It was something he couldn't avoid. Sometimes, I think this is the only way that God gets our attention. Nobody wants their barley fields burned, but most of us want to draw closer to God. Truthfully, think about the time of spiritual growth in your life. By and large, it didn't occur when life was rosy. Usually, it comes when we are the end of ourselves and have nowhere else to turn. God may use this barley field tactic, but I believe it is very wrong for us to create the catastrophe in another's life, just so they talk to us.
Joab went to Absalom and asked why he set his barley field on fire. Absalom wanted Joab to know that he was very confused. Why was he brought back, if he was only going to be ignored? Absalom would have rather been far away. As it was, he wanted an audience with the king. Joab arranged for the meeting and Absalom came and bowed before the king. However, even though he was outwardly submissive, future events would show that he never recovered from this bitterness. King David offers forgiveness without any sign of remorse or repentance. He probably thought he was being gracious to overlook the wrong. As a father, that may make sense, but as the chief judge of Israel, David should not have forgiven obvious crimes of the past.
In this passage, it is increasingly clear of the role of parents in the upbringing of a child. Are we really preparing our children for the future, by giving them what they will need to overcome in life, or are we just letting them figure it out on their own? I know of some parents who have stressed that they don't want to 'force' their kids to believe a certain way. I guess that shows that the parents really don't have any strong beliefs in and of themselves. We teach our kids not to play in the street, or not to run with scissors, or not to touch a hot stove, or to eat certain types of food, etc. When it all comes down to the end, what is more important - running in the street or eternal destiny? Which is more important - a burn from a hot stove or getting words of wisdom to guide a life?
The role of parents is to impart wisdom and understanding, so that the child will not forget nor swerve from them. As we grow older, what have we learned? What if we stuck with the wisdom that we have been taught? Would that have protected us from issues in life?
Closing
It may seem difficult to see how relationships and communication is part of the lesson, but if you think about it, it is shown in three key areas.
The first is our relationship with God. Is it something that we have compartmentalized and made only valid when it is convenient or does it hit all the areas of our lives? We can't just wade in the waters of Christianity and expect it to impact our lives. Are we fostering our relationship with God so that it can have an impact on us?
The second was dealing with problems in a relationship. You may or may not be able to relate to the family dysfunction that was apparent between David and Absalom. Neither of them took the initiative to really work through the problems. Turning a blind eye to problems is not the way to solve a relationship. We need to communicate openly and honestly, and this could very well help establish our relationship and keep it from having the problems that impact so many.
The third was the relationship between parent and child. We cannot underestimate the importance of life wisdom that is imparted to children. When a parent doesn't do this, it happens somewhere. Whether it is godly wisdom that a child gets or not- it is some wisdom (which may not be wise). Spend the time with your kids to let them know what you've learned - but more importantly, teach them the ways of God. If you're like me, many of your problems came from following your own ways and not the ways of God.
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